Challenging School Behavior
School has been in full swing for my families. But anxiety about inappropriate school behavior was the topic of almost every family before the middle of summer arrived. The first few weeks of school and the last few weeks of school are almost guaranteed to be the worst times of the school year due to the difficulty of transitioning schedules and worries about social relationships and academics. Most of my families found that there seemed to be a more relaxed cadence of family interaction that started around the second month of summer. Trust is able to sprout, and, sometimes, take root to enhance the child to parent relationship; or it is the sibling relationship which improves by growing warmer and less competitive. But parents often express concern that these times will not last forever because.....
The phone calls and notes from teachers about inappropriate behavior and missing homework, the IEP meetings, the lies from your child, memories of finding the 80 bologna sandwiches rotting in your kid's locker at the end of the school year......are just some of the worries that begin to swirl in parents' heads before reaching the middle of summer vacay. I think the biggest worry that parents hold is that they feel like the academic world has assumed a lack of parenting skills because their child is not reflecting the family's values. Parents feel like they are being told that they need to set better limits on their child about school behaviors. Learning to ignore these negative assumptions are essential if you want to keep your sanity and to help your child make it through the school year.
The most important thing to remember is to trust and believe that the relationship between you and your child, however small, is the most important thing to cultivate and protect when it comes to problems at school. Think of school as your child's job and only big responsibility outside of your home. If your child can get into trouble at school then your child will have to figure out a solution with your consultation or on their own. For example, if you were to be reprimanded at your job how would you want your partner to react when you come home? Would it be odd if your partner also reprimanded you or took away your favorite tv programs for the night? Of course it would be weird and shaming! You would want empathy from your partner in the form of listening, providing support, and offering to help with solutions if that is what you would want. Sometimes, and we have all been there, empathy from your partner is not processing the event, but wanting them to be close to you and to provide physical comfort with food and hugs. Delivering a double consequence at home for school behavior is a break from empathy and does not make much sense to children with a delayed concept of cause and effect. The child will think you are just being mean and could retaliate because, now, having appropriate school behavior is mostly about the parent's status and not about the child being successful at school.
The focus at the end of the school day is the beginning of the family evening and protecting that relationship we are trying to grow. The best intervention I have heard this year was from a parent who knew that their child had had a very bad day at school due to texts from the teacher. When their child made it home, the parent was ready with empathy by serving up some sweet comfort food and some time to listen if their child wanted to process the school day. No requests for homework or chores to be started and completed as soon as their child walked in the door either. The focus was on relaxing for a bit during the transition time instead of sowing reasons for power struggles or chewing on the negativity of the day. Much empathy was given and accepted that day.
What happens if your child does want to talk about what happened but does not tell the entire truth about their part in negative behavior? Or if they blame everyone else for their own negative actions or reactions? I believe that inappropriate behavior is a learned way to get something desired. Does this child want forgiveness for getting in trouble? Is he or she looking for validation? I like to focus on giving empathy and to read between the lines regarding the child's emotions during the telling of their story; picking out the feelings of being excluded or different from their peers, or that they have not found a solid friend or two and the shaming loneliness. The same intervention applies when a child is reacting with a lot of disrespect when he or she refuses to process the negative event or just flat out lies. I will focus on showing empathy about the feelings of shame and the fear of feeling misunderstood or helpless. I will also point out that understanding other kids' feelings or behaviors is so hard because we all have our own brains with our separate feelings and ideas. Sometimes children react with defensiveness and I focus on the foundation of pain under that mountain of anger. We need to show empathy to help the child to trust that the love does not stop or disappear because of inappropriate behavior. He or she needs to see their needs will be met by you; this is validating to their feelings because we know they did not get much of that before you met them. Sometimes showing empathy is simply telling a personal story of your own about an awkward situation at the same age of your child will help to diffuse the hurt and shame, engender some trust , and maybe get a few laughs. During these highly emotionally charged situations it is more about feelings of shame, hurt feelings or being misunderstood that stick out to me. All of this loops back to those feelings of rejection from their birth family and that pain is magnified immensely. The anger we see expressed is nothing compared to the negative feelings of self worth and the belief that they cannot accomplish even a friendship at school.
Limits to inappropriate behaviors are important, but, lucky for you, the school will handle those consequences at school. Try not to worry if you feel the consequence is not serious enough. Double consequences at home are not only unnecessary but damages the developing relationship between you and your child and his or her sense of self. Empathy for your child who who has learned about the world from a shaky foundation of attachment and trauma is the most important thing to show at home.
Give me a call if you need help.