Developmental Trauma and the Family

By the time a family calls for a therapist specializing in Reactive Attachment Disorder , they are at the end of their rope. These families are in crisis mode. They already have hired many therapists who do not seem to understand what their child needs and often, instead, blame the parents. Parents are an integral part of helping the traumatized child in healing. Parents are very much in need of comfort, support, and validation. Many times families will tell me that they have lost a good portion of friends and/or family because of misunderstandings about how they themselves reacted to or how they have verbally processed their feelings about their child's acting out behavior in an extremely harsh light. These negative experiences can cause parents to not seek help. Trauma can be a systemically vicious cycle.

Developmental Trauma, also known as Reactive Attachment Disorder, is trauma and/or neglect received by the child before the age of 4 years old which is perpetrated by the primary caregivers. In regards to my work with adopted children and teens, the primary caregivers are referenced as the birth parents. The abuses are sexual (both overt and covert), physical, and emotional/verbal. Neglect can range from not providing the basic needs for babies due to physical absence of the parent or from emotional absence caused by alcohol and/or substance abuse. Orphanages and residential institutions are infamous for institutional neglect. Developmental Trauma can also be caused by the separation of the baby from the birth mother. Chronic pain which the mother cannot stop can also be a contributing factor for Developmental Trauma.

Parents will tell me about the several therapists to whom they have taken their child. A few years ago a parent told me within the first minute of the session, "I have taken them to several therapists and have fired them all. I won't be afraid to fire you, too." I had to laugh because of the directness of the statement. This parent was not a hateful or abusive person, although others may have seen her in this light from not understanding what Developmental Trauma does to a family. This parent was frustrated and angry. This parent felt isolated and was grieving. She suffered from insomnia and was existing on fumes and very little hope. This parent felt all the normal feelings of secondary traumatization. We talked a lot about secondary traumatization that day. And I did not get fired.

Secondary traumatization is when a person feels vicariously traumatized or victimized by another person's trauma. It is when the parent has been exhausted of compassion because the constant nurturing of the child has not produced a 'reward' or meaningful and positive change in behavior from their child. The parent is seen as a 'nurturing enemy' in the eyes of their child who rejects their mother by abusive acting out, it seems, at every good gesture.

I know a lot of good moms who have told me they had never kept count of all the cookies in the pantry or had been on the lookout for the toilet paper roll to diminish before they experienced secondary traumatization. Parents feel like they are losing a never ending game of Whack a Mole and emotionally detach to protect their own psyche. It seems that friends, family, and professionals will sense this emotional detachment and tell parents that this is why their child is behaving so badly. The support system to the parent is vital to the family. Parents need to be able to recharge their batteries with people who will not judge them and with people who can help them to laugh. People who remind the parents to take care of themselves so the family does not flail. Like the flight attendant says in an airplane: "Please place the mask on yourself before trying to help others."

If you have friends or family who are struggling with knowing how to support you, then please pass this blog to them.