The phantom pain of loss
When I worked in the hospital, I came in contact with many amputees. Some people had lost limbs years and decades ago and some had lost a part of themselves recently. I know that when an amputee leaves the hospital, the wounded part of the person had to 'be treated like gold' because any bump or jar would send excruciating nerve pain through the injury. Many people who had experienced amputations would tell me about the phantom pain they experienced. Some experienced much phantom pain because the loss was recent; others stated the phantom pain never goes away but gets weaker and weaker as time passes and coping becomes stronger. I had no idea that phantom pain could also be a result of limb loss from a congenital limb deficiency [Glummarra, M.J.; Gibson, S.J.; Georgiou-Karistianis, N.; Bradshoaw, J.L. (2007). "Central mechanisms in phantom limb perception: The past, present and future". Brain Research Reviews. 54(1): 219-232]. Phantom pain seems like an excruciating way the body misses a beloved member. With phantom pain, the body continues to feel the signals from the brain to move and flex. The body and brain also receives signals of feeling pain when no pain could be inflicted because the limb does not exist. The grief of losing a limb would be very confusing because, while it is not there, it feels like it is there! Replacing the loss with a prosthetic can satisfy a range of functions but does it feel like an adequate 'replacement'? Would it feel like the limb, still vibrating with phantom pain, that used to be there for you? Physical therapy is the prescribed treatment to regain strength, balance and mobility. And the work is painful and physically taxing. Narcotics to numb the pain would certainly be an enticing option but does not teach healthy coping skills.
I am never surprised by the amount of emotional pain an adoptee experiences when they talk about having a piece missing from him or her. I do not think it is enough to say, "You think you miss your birth mom but you're really missing the thought of a birth mom." To say it in this fashion is not entirely incorrect, but it does miss a big chunk of the issue; that birth mom used to be there. Birth moms exist within a continuum of time and context. To an adoptee, the birth mom is not a legit stranger and, at the same time, is an intimate stranger. I believe the intersection of pain, identity, birth mom and loss becomes this murky conflict that cannot have a set definition because we, as individuals, fluctuate in context every day.
There is also the assumption that the adoptive family replaces the birth family. I have not met one adoptee who feels this is accurate, especially transracial adoptees. I also have not met one adoptive family who feels they are a satisfying replacement for the birth family. This belief comes from many professionals who continue to state that babies do not have memory of being separated from their birth mother. Some professionals also state that babies do not carry a memory of early trauma and neglect. Babies are sentient beings who operate under implicit memory stored in the amygdala, a part of the brain without a verbal language. Implicit memories are gut feelings or instincts and are the strongest memories. The amygdala starts to experience and record implicit memory at 5 months in utero. Think about that. Where were we at 5 months in utero? After birth, what part of us becomes missing?
For adoptees, talking about these issues with their adoptive parents can feel like betrayal. I have heard many young adoptees say they want to talk about this loss but do not want to hurt "the mom I have now." Some adoptees will stuff these feelings which transform into troublesome behaviors at home and/or school in order to avoid betraying their family or wanting to feel numb about the losses.
The longer I stay in my chosen field, the more I see how important it is to educate and assist adoptees that learning how to carry the emotional pain of loss is the goal for treatment. To be flexible with coping and accepting the pain is the way to healthier functioning. #justlisten