Dinty Moore and the Cohesive Narrative

When I first met my house, I fell in love with it. It had good bones and was quirky. I knew that it would need a lot of work but I was an ardent DIY'er, much to the chagrin of my husband whom I would meet much later. The home inspector gave me as much information as he was willing to give, which was not much. One thing that kept bugging me, though, was how the kitchen ceiling had become damaged. The ceiling looked damaged, but did not feel wet. I figured there must have been old water damage and the previous owner just decided to live with the way the ceiling looked. We figured it would be the last thing on our list of repairs since it seemed only cosmetic. But.....Last winter the kitchen ceiling split open and a mini waterfall cascaded onto the floor. The waterfall came from the exact spot where the ceiling had the damage. After running around the house crazed with anxiety and worst case scenarios, my husband and I discovered something not included in the history of the house. A microwaveable Dinty Moore tray had been placed under the leaking area. Now we knew why the kitchen ceiling had the damage. Dinty Moore was a band aid to catch a small leak, or to hide it, before becoming a scenic waterfall in our kitchen. At that point, we felt a little more in control of finding a solution to fix this issue. Before that, however, we both were imagining a burst main, possible electrical issues, and would a wall in the kitchen have to be destroyed to find the leak. Everything about fixing the problem was lost in the scary muck of the unknown cause of the problem. But, as bad as the initial shock was, we felt much better that the situation could be handled. It is too bad the house did not come with a cohesive narrative.

What is a cohesive narrative? A cohesive narrative is the bones or foundation of a person's early life history. I get this scary visual when I meet an adopted child who does not know much about his or her story. I picture a small person being dangled over a precipice by the nape of their neck, not having any control over where they land or what will happen if they are let go. An absence of a cohesive narrative causes a child to not have that feeling of owning their lives or having solid ground under their feet. It gives proof of existing before being adopted. Couched in the correct order and manner, helping a child to construct a cohesive narrative gives them supportive information that their birth parents' decisions were not about them being a 'bad' baby or a burden. It gives a nonjudgemental touch to a painful issue instead of anxiety about the unknown.

When I meet a new family, the big question that hangs in the air is wondering what had happened to their child and, if the parents know, do they share that history with their child. Some of the kids that I have worked with have a murky recollection of memories that we can process. Some have uncomfortable feelings about their early childhood history that they want to avoid feeling. Helping your child to create a cohesive narrative is a way to give them the feeling of having solid ground beneath their feet. I like to point out a child's strengths within the cohesive narrative to teach them about resilience. A cohesive narrative gives space for questions and dialogue. It also gives parents a chance to be supportive to their child.